How to win in arguments

Jordana Fung: So the session's going to be how to win in arguments using critical thinking to challenge some ideas. So a quick outline. We're going to talk about some definitions. What are arguments and what is winning? And also about your intentions, the goals of the discussions, and kind of like what should you do to prepare, what should you do during and what should you do after? And we'll talk about some resources real quick. Who am I? My name is Jordanna Fung.

I am from Surina, south America, where we speak Dutch natively. And I grew up speaking both Dutch and English. I'm a volunteer member of the Dral Community working group who is chartered to foster community health within the Dral community. And I am part of the conflict resolution team within that where we uphold the triple code of conduct and do mediation for community members.

I'm passionate about learning, collaborating, communication, and as well community health. So let's start off with some agreements. We have the DevRel code of conduct, which is amazing, which we will be upholding here. It's a safe space, which means we'll be respectful and considered to one another.

But another thing I would like to have you keep in mind is having a learner's mind. So sometimes we'll know things, but when we learn and know things, it's always good to keep practising . So gentle reminders of these things are always good, so use it or lucid mindset. So sometimes we shouldn't jump to conclusions too quickly. Some notes on this 15 minutes is not a lot of time to do all of the things I've packed in there. The resources are linked in these slides that you can get from that link down below. I'm happy to get more resources and like I said, I'll try to go through everything, but if we run out of time, the slides are pretty verbose and I'm happy to discuss things afterward.

So let's talk about some definitions.

So they'll use of the word arguments and discussions. We generally kind of use them interchangeably, but actually what arguments are is whenever you're explaining why you believe something or why someone else should believe you are something you're giving arguments. And these arguments are usually they're supposed to be built upon resources to make your case. And you use those arguments in discussions and dialogues with other parties. So what is the purpose of a discussion? So in the times of Plato and Socrates, people were philosophise about right and wrong, how to think and learn. And this in turn influenced how the republic was led and how laws were created. So they use these discussions and these dialogues exchange ideas to come to a greater understanding of the truth.

So it's more about exploring other points of views so you're more informed and can make more informed decisions. And it just also aids in critical thinking.

So what's the definition of winning? So winning is when these discussions have taken place effectively, when you have a better understanding of the truth through the exchange of ideas. Note that this session is not called how to always be right. So generally here, winning means how we all win. So how do you win an argument? Just give them the facts.

No, unfortunately, just giving facts. Facts don't win arguments. We are not rational beings. We think and reason what our emotions, our history and our experiences, our belief system, our brains do a lot of unconscious processing for us, for us, once we've learned something and it kind of all becomes a little bit automatic. So Daniel Kahneman calls this thinking fast and thinking slow. So thinking fast is usually what happens. Your gut reactions, what happens automatically from memory, it's almost involuntary. You have almost no control of that.

And your fast thinking does most of the mental work. And the slow part is more thoughtful, it's more deliberate, it's more planning, and you can control that part more. The unfortunate thing is we often think we're thinking slow while we're thinking fast, which often leads to us being wrong and we're not knowing we're wrong.

So we can be very blind to very obvious things because our belief systems starts to get so ingrained and the way our minds think is so automatic that we jump to those conclusions. And moreover, when it has to do with beliefs, we kind of get even worse with that. So if I were to show you a visual illusion of connected dots, and I tell you this is not how it works and I show you how it works, you'll understand and you'll believe it. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen with your belief systems as you talked about with the facts. It's much harder to break those connections and to kind of figure out where things gone wrong.

So before you start with a discussion, you need to think about your intentions and the goals of the discussion because you can't, if you enter with the wrong motives, it might lead to bad decisions in the end. So are you trying to actually understand? Are you trying to get more informed? Are you trying to make better decisions or are you wanting to lecture somebody? Or are you wanting to discuss? Are you open to learning? The thing is, if we think we know everything, you can't, it'll be really hard to learn something new. And if you think you can't be wrong, you think you know everything.

So what is your intention? Is it the intention to change someone's mind? How can you change something you don't understand yet? Right?

So here's the thing, most people come into a conversation with their minds already made up, do the best you can. So that's not you. Are you listening or are you just waiting for your turn to talk? Right?

There's one thing I can have you have as a takeaway. It's this. It's what Dr. Steven Covey says is seek first to understand, then be understood. So now we've talked a little bit about listening and about why we want to have this discussion. Now we come up with should you really have this discussion? So is it the slides are a little bit old, is it necessary, right?

Is this your fight?

Is this worth it? Is this something you should be doing? So is this set up for success? Are people willing to have open discussions? Are you the right person to talk about this? Is this a topic you're going to be triggered by or by the person or the topic you're going to be talking about? So it's always good to kind of consider all of these things before you even have that conversation. That's the right slide, sorry.

So how do we start with having a good discussion? So there's some things you can do in prep before you start, before you start any of these, any kind of a hard conversation basically. And that's to set rules. For example, in certain situations where you'll have a code of conduct, it's a little bit easier, some of the base rules already set, but it's always good to prepare yourself to consider the environment.

Are you in a calm or stressful environment? Is it loud? Is there alcohol involved? You should try to create an environment where everybody feels safe and feels heard.

Creating safe spaces is one of the most important things to have a good conversation. So also understanding what's working against us. So language, barriers, priorities, all of those of things. And one of the good things to do as well is don't assume malice. So sometimes it's very easy to come to the conclusion that somebody is basically kind of like to get us, but generally it's just usually a misunderstanding.

I'm going to start flying through. I'm looking at the times. So how do we have better communications?

Good communication is the purpose when you're listening. So you have two parts of communication, listening and speaking. When you're listening, the purpose is to get the most information you can from the people you're speaking with to understand as much as possible. You don't know what you don't know. So try to use this time to understand as much as possible from this person. Use an interview style of type of questioning to make sure you understand correctly. And when you're speaking, remember you're speaking about the things you want to explain and bring forward. You're not attacking, you're also trying to be understood.

So speak clearly, but also be patient. Be understanding and think about whether what you're saying needs to be said. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? And is it kind and is it honest? And I kind of want to have this little thing about honesty. Being honest does not mean you have to be abrasive or unkind.

You can tell the truth with kindness and compassion.

And then this comes to again, to all of these things. Practise patient's, empathy, compassion, they're all skills. Communication, they're skills. And skills can be taught, learned and refined. So we can have good intentions, but we could still do harm. So I want to kind of hammer in this fact that intention does not equal impact and intention does not erase. Impact.

Something small for you can be something very big and important for somebody else. So what is understood by the other person is may not have to be what you meant. So we should always be careful of and mindful of that.

So playing fair in a conversation, you should genuinely try to understand what is happening, what a situation is, and the other people involved. Don't be defensive, don't use logical fallacies. Be patient and be kind to yourself as well as to other folks. Sometimes we can get impatience with ourselves as well. Generally during discussions, we are going to challenge each other's perspectives and assumptions as well as our own.

It's very important to go with that mindset of remembering what you're there for. And you're challenging assumptions, you're not challenging each other. So what happens when things get escalated?

We have the escalation tools that you could use, but also it's better to start deescalating before it's come to a boiling point. So make sure you are not being antagonistic or that you are angry or fighting. Ask questions to better understand the situation and the person instead of assuming things, validating their feelings and try to get to a common ground. So focusing on the issue at hand and not on the person is also a good way of calming. But then we should also know when to end the discussion.

So you need to know what your triggers are. You need to know when you're triggered. And this can take a lot of practise and time. You need to try to be respectful. Remember that these are people that nobody wants to burn bridges. So even though you think you're going to go into a calm conversation, always be prepared to be unprepared. Always have an exit strategy, always have a sentence. You can say, let's put a pin in this and come back to it.

Have a sentence, have an exit strategy. Because by the time you need to end that conversation, you might be going into that fight or flight mode where it's harder to end the conversation respectfully. So always try to have that in your back pocket.

And what if that happens? You could ask for help, you could ask for help before a mediator or facilitators. Always super helpful. Find out resources and take advice from others. And remember, again, these are skills.

So it takes constant practise. So the quick tldr R is the goal of arguing is not to. It's to get it right, not to be right. Winning needs, solving the problem to be better informed and achieving your goal and learning. And remember, be kind, be patient, be understanding. We're going to get it wrong, we're going to be wrong, but it's how we handle and process that. And what we do next is what's most important, and here are links of some resources that you can follow along on. Thank you.